别人

突然间我变得很情绪化

原本以为只是过渡期 没想到好像没有办法控制了

我想我真的变了 变得连我也不认识自己

现在的我

就只是想活在自己的安全区 谁都跨越不了 我也不想出去

表面上我对什么都不在乎 其实我

太在意别人怎样看自己 这样很难受

喜欢就喜欢 为什么不敢面对 为什么要刻意逃避

为什么因为别人的一句话 成全别人委屈了自己 变成了遗憾

不值得却来不及后悔

现在的我 说话字字都要很小心 万一讲错了什么 我又委屈了

如果别人说错话伤到我了 我不可以发脾气 只可以默默忍受 万一发脾气了

受伤的心要自己缝补 痛苦要往肚子里吞 也不可以诉苦

因为如果诉苦 又要引来一堆无聊的风波

要等你长大 还要等多久

Emotional sia !! :(

It's now office hours. I feel quite uneasy. And I hate it when I'm not going to tell people (I cannot tell though) what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like telling anyone. SO yea, I'm suffering from this illness that nobody can cure.

Stupid meeeeeeee :(

It's all about Decision

I don’t know since when, everything has changed. The Person around me, the Feeling I have with, and the Way it should be. All of these changed all of a sudden. I can’t adapt to it at this moment and I feel so awkward. But pretend to be as usual. So disgusting of ME. And, I know no one will please me for my IDIOCY.

Maybe I should say, I need a Change so that I can continue my life journey, or else I will die out.

The Auditor III

- CASE CLOSED -

I Need A Change

I was very down the day before. Was in very bad mood. Anyway when things get a little bit better, I don’t really need a blog. I’m too realistic, sometimes. What I need to do now is: To be very patient.

Went for dinner with colleagues after OT-ing. We went all the way to this ulu place in Commonwealth. It is ulu, at least for me, in the way that it is like those very old restaurants in Malaysia. This is an open area hawker anyway. With the old songs playing around the ears, I totally missed the times staying with family while enjoying the good food. We talked like nobody’s business. We laughed like no one’s business. This was very fun which couldn’t be explained all in words :)

I was drunk last Friday, in Lunar. LOL. Totally fell asleep after got into the cab. When I woke up in the next morning, I was in the other’s house. Whoa~ luckily I have a bunch of nice friends :) Yea! I shall love all of you much more than now!

Teardrops on my cheeks

Finally burst out, when talking on the phone... finally

I woke up this morning and both eyes swollen like a puff. When it is mentally stressed and tired, and no one really cares, it then explodes.

Now I aware that my working life is like a seesaw. It rides me up and down. What should one comments when a very important person left, or decided to leave? What if not only ONE? What if one day I cannot take it anymore? Will I just get heart attack and say bye bye?

I feel that I’m very strong all these while. I stay alone in an unfamiliar country. I work with people from different cultures. I exercise my patience. I pretend I’m okay no matter what has happened. I listen to others’ problem and try to resolve for them. I keep everything to myself.

I’m so proud of myself!! Anyway, when I’m fully packed I wish to have someone who will listen to me. That is all I want.

The road in front of me is not so smooth..

I started to complain about people's attitude. I’m afraid I will lose my temper, one day. I tried very hard to be very patient these days, and I did. In fact, I was impatient inside me. I just can’t control but could still have my happy smiling face though. It is a fake. I’m indeed a faker, at all times. No one notice. Lol.

People said I tend to talk defiantly nowadays. I didn’t realize that, and even though it was true, I just cannot control myself. Words just burst out of my mouth.

Again, i am in depression. I’m hoping to get out of this stupid gloominess soon! It keeps me feeling uneasy. Take a BREAK will be a perfect resolution. But I cannot do so. So, let's forget it.

JIA YOU

Uni friends gathering

I went for my university friends gathering last night at Brewerkz @ Riverside Point. From 8 persons it reduced to half of it. It was a nice one still. But I talked much lesser this time. I was not as happy as I thought. It might be because one of them includes the Auditor.
Umm.. I should not have joined the gathering.. or at least not seeing him in such a short interval. Anyway when talking about my problems, all offered advice, and so did he. That was encouraging :)
The gathering ended at about 1130pm. We did not take any photos.

Where are YOU!!

I am slightly de-motivated at work. De-motivated in the sense of why am I still in this firm working half-dead when nobody is going to care and appreciate what you have done. It seems like I deserved it huh. The worst thing is that I do not have a supervisor to guide me. I need a supervisor urgently. But who cares. I want only one reporting director. But who cares. I’m okay to guide others on things that I have never experienced before. It doesn’t matter but it totally mentally stressed me out. And who cares. Some more why am I had to be distracted so frequently when I’m concentrating on my jobs. No one loves to do over-time just to listen to complaints. Now I am thinking. Why don’t I just get a better work-life-balanced job, if there are really ones, and quit this. I have the abilities, why not. I guess all are because I am so RELUCTANT on parting with my superb colleagues. I love my colleagues here :) BUT not all.

The Auditor II

Suddenly I feel like don’t know why I want to talk about the Auditor again.

He is really a good friend that he will make those people who have an over-sensitive nerve like me to think of his intention of being so often in dating me out for lunch or dinner, shopping or getting presents for his friends and his parents, from month to month. Just before New Year, we went to get my nephew new clothes. That moment was deeply impressed :) Sometimes we talk about own problems. We talked about work or family matters. We listened and tried to comfort each other. Sometimes we play jokes on each other too. That was really a fun part because from there I got to know he will not take any action for the moment. It is so funny and I feel so stupid.

And recently, during and after the Lunar New Year, I was sort of being a little bit uncontrollable thinking of him when I felt real moody. As at now, I am so stressed by work. The person I feel like want to talk to is the Auditor. Maybe it is solely because he is not one of my boss or colleagues.

I ever promised to myself that I will not think of him or talk about him again. But I failed to do so. It is really hard to forget a person than to remember a person. That is why I failed. I hate him sometimes because he really makes me so reluctant in getting new guy friends.

To get rid of all these, I gave myself a long deep thought.

I made promise to myself again. I will not try hard to forget everything about him and I will keep him in my mind. That was a sweet memory anyway :) because we have known each other for 6 years, such a long time. I am thankful to have him in my life. He filled one part of my life.

My relationship status now is not complicated anymore. I-AM-SINGLE-AND-AVAILABLE. Ha-ha!!

I will start from now, look for other better opportunities!! I believe there is SOMEONE out there who will treasure me :) So, Kuan Yin, Tua Pek Gong, Allah, God, and whatever God in the heaven, please, please grant the SOMEBODY the POWER when I need a shoulder and a warm big hug.

我的以為 我的感覺 我的掩飾 都是個屁

我以為 放假可以充電
我以為 一切都會過去
我以為 自己撐得下去

我以為的以為 原來都只是一個以為

我只是覺得 自己可以過得更好
我只是覺得 自己還有其他選擇
我只是覺得 自己應該勇敢一點

我的感覺 好像不那麼的真實

我假裝自己不介意 其實我最在意
我假裝自己很堅強 其實我在逞強
我假裝自己很勇敢 其實我很懦弱

我的掩飾 在別人眼里原來那麼理所當然

I am so emo now... just leave me alone..

祝我生日快樂

昨天早上的飛機從新加坡直飛沙巴
一大早就已經到達terminal 1了,卻在check-in時發現自己把Msia IC和driving license忘在家里
花1個小時來回機場 還好趕得及跟Keryn碰面
收到今年的第一份生日禮物, 超感動的 T.T



我們只能夠小聊了一下,然後抱抱,她就得上飛機回家了
我有好多心事...
我不知道可以跟誰說 我也不知道誰願意聽我說

回家前的那幾天 其實發生了很多事 甚至到今天還沒解決
我和同事發生爭執了 然後我們冷戰
我很真心的想要挽回這段友情
但她似乎想要放棄 說我們只要當很好的同事就好
她強烈想要離職的念頭更把我嚇壞了
我想我真的惹火她了 可是我卻沒有認錯
因為我還是認為我不完全有錯...
很固執吧
只覺得她突然間對任何事都太敏感 以致我不管做甚麼說甚麼 都有錯
我越描越黑 越解釋越把事情弄得更遭糕

我向2位朋友提起了
他們似乎都覺得問題不大 要我別想太多 事情會過去的
我沒有告訴他們
我其實辦不到

今天是我的農曆生日
我也跟馬迷提起了 她也說不要想太多
無論如何, 我想我不應該像現在這樣要別人為了自己的事情煩惱
謝謝馬迷給我的這個小紅包!

LAUGH OUT LOUD as u can, pls

Sometimes i just hate myself for my lousy english !!
Will be okay. I promise.

:(

I thought I can pretend as if nothing has happened, for this time, again. I don’t know how many times I had mention about someone is leaving or has left, in my blog. I honestly wanted to make clear that this blog is not opened for this purpose. But I just can’t avoid discussing this topic recently :(

To cut it short, YM has resigned. Again another of my good friend cum colleague is leaving us soon, leaving me alone with SQ [ SQ, don’t worry. You still have me, and we have PWT, SP and LS :) ] Please note again I’m not blaming anyone, just like I did not blame the others. This is a fact. I know she has this intention since long ago, at least 6 months ago. I’m prepared. And she has prepared me about this too.

I will be fine again. I will be fine very soon. Just that i still wonder why am I still here while most of my close colleagues have left. I want to know why....

Okie, I’m into a business opportunity lately. I thought i can start it well and yet i did not. As there are quite loads of things has happened / happening, which made me can’t really concentrate on that. I hope those who care about me understand me and give me some time. To be a multi-tasker, at least at the very early stage, I need to be trained to be multitasked, what I need is time, I need space to breath and please leave me alone at this point of time. I don’t want it to be some kind of stress that avoids me to proceed with achieving my dreams. PLEASE.

All I want now is HOLIDAYS! I miss papa, I miss mummy, I miss da gor & xiao gor, I miss sis, I miss JJ, I miss everyone in the House. A short and relax break will recharge me to the fullest for me to face the cruel world again, after cny. Jia you!

Some negative thoughts

It’s been 2 weeks we’ve been struggled together. We faced problems. We helped each other. We complained. We’re not going to have a better tomorrow if the situation persists. One fine day; someone might leave, someone might go, and someone might stay.

I’m not contented at all. I can’t concentrate at work. I lost attention to a lot of things. I lost my way. And this keeps me missing home, missing mummy, missing daddy, missing those who come into my mind.

Everyone is still happily playing around as if there has nothing happened. You pretend. I pretend. She/he pretends. But I’m totally stressed out. I lost a sense of security. Because. Everything seems to be so faked. Everything seems to be too far away. Anything can happen without any sign. Nothing is going to last. Forever.

离别

HAVE u ever experienced the kind of feeling when people are leaving u, one-by-one and one-by-one?

i have always thought that i am out of luck to have the persons i treasure to stay with me longer.
Justine left when i was 17. without any sign. it hurts.
Grandma left. when i have the chances to visit her more often. its all too late.
SynLiang left. an accident took him away forever. i miss him, still.
Matthew left. my 1st manager. he is not good in people's eyes. but he did teach me how to survive in this bloody cruel world.
LaoBan left. my 2nd manager. he is humorous. i am too dependent on him that i was kinda sad on his departure.
Lindsey is leaving soon. my super-supervisor. she is gentle. but nothing is gonna stop her from leaving us.

have u ever experienced this - in a very short 2 years time.
i understand - No One Is Indispensable
but it is so de-motivated.

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mummy is still away in phillipines with dad.. i want to talk to her. but i dont want to spoil her holiday mood.
anybody wants to speak with me?

Respect my blog

I hardly scold please do not piss me off !!

Just let me know if you are making fun on me !!

fxxK !!

I'm alright =)

was moody since monday .. worst mood i've ever had..
i guess a smiling face did hide my sadness from everybody =)
mum ringed every single night to make sure i'm alright..
she is the only person who cares about my everything..
be it good or bad.. happy or sad.. success or failure..
she will always be there for me..
no one else can replace her until the right one appears..

Tomorrow Will Be A Better Day

Photo from the web


"眼睛好好的，不要把它哭肿了，不要把它哭瞎了"


给马迷打电话了，今晚。
最近一肚子的情绪发泄了。

然后
我要什么？我又不要什么了？

我需要谁？谁又不需要我了？

问题找不到答案
却把眼睛哭得红红 哭得肿肿 难看死了

逃避

当一个人开始对我好的时候，我就会开始怀疑他的意图
当一个人开始凡事都先想到我的时候，我就会开始怀疑他的意图
当一个人开始只对我说话柔声细语的时候，我就会开始怀疑他的意图

当一个人让我开始怀疑他的意图的时候，我会不由自主选择逃避 …… 和继续怀疑他的意图……